I’ve invited some of my favorite people (and some strangers) to write something to top post here…before the committee meets. This is from my friend Annette. She’s a georgeous British-Jamaican sweetheart. I love her.
Annette writes… In October of last year, I bid adieu to the LDS church. I had been devoutly LDS for 24 years, married in the temple and am the mother of four amazing sons. This decision did not come lightly and is the result of 5 1/2 years of soul-searching, trying to make a difference and often feeling like the lone voice of reason in the wilderness. My former husband is gay – we shared 15 years together.
I am writing a book about my experience- tentatively entitled: “My side of the closet – resurrecting Annette”. As a result of my personal experience, I became active in gay rights issues when moving to Utah 5 1/2 years ago. I worked on the “Don’t Amend” campaign and started to have parties in my home, where I invited my gay and straight friends, my LDS and non LDS friends, Republican and Democrat friends to talk about religion and politics. The parties were a hit, and there is at least one friend who has become more accepting of gays than she had been prior to knowing me.
Now that I have left the church, I feel that I can come out from below the proverbial radar, and speak from the heart. I am becoming an outspoken straight advocate for gays in our community. Recently, I was honored to be appointed to the board of the GLBT center.
There is so much work to do in this community, and there are not enough of us who are “anxiously engaged”, to quote an LDS term. It is time for straight advocates to speak up and out – to talk with their friends, associates and family members about gay rights. It is time for us to stand up and be counted – tell the Gayle Ruzickas and Chris Buttars of this state that this state was founded by marginalized people – a governor issuing an extermination order against an entire group of people – in America? Were Chris Buttars to revisit this history, he might see that a hate crimes bill or the ACLU would have changed the very course of the Mormon experience. They might never have come to Utah and might have stayed in beautiful Nauvoo, Illinois. Utah is a great state to live in – it should be known as a place that is accepting of all residents, no matter their religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation or race.
If we continue to allow these bigots to forward their homophobic agenda, we will continue to be mocked and ridiculed across the country, and, yes, even the globe for our backward views.
I urge all Utahns to speak up and out for equality for everyone. Remember, over 270,000 straight voters voted against the marriage amendment, and over 60% of active LDS people believe that we should have domestic partner benefits in the state. A new tide is coming – I welcome the change.
Annette Daley
Salt Lake City, Utah
#1 by Anon on January 24, 2006 - 9:04 pm
As you look down the long, rocky struggle for American social justice you cannot help but be impressed by the selfless labors of the unumbered brave who, over the course of two centuries, took the second paragraph of the Declaration to be literally true, and seeing the institutionalized inequality in our nation, set to work and finally abolished indentures, slavery, child labor, lethal workplaces, segregation, proscriptions on “miscegenation” and countless other evils that could not stand the bright light of public scrutiny. Oppression gave way to tolerance and acceptance and blessings flowed such as extending the franchise first to all men, next to women and finally to all, regardless of anything so arbitrary and meaningless as skin color.
Our gay brothers and sisters are among the last to languish in the netherworld of second class citizen in America, as so many communities have done before them, legally prevented from making a contract of their love, perhaps visiting their partner in the hospital, making decisions for them when necessary or inheriting what is clearly their joint property, among so many other outrageous affronts to their humanity, and it is little comfort that a few can be overcome with a helpful lawyer.
I think full equal justice before the law is coming, and soon, impelled by the undeniable logic and moral force that all people are inherently equal and no just system of government can deny them and look itself in the eye for long. There is a lot of work to do but one day our children, who even now are completely unconcerned about the sexual preferences of another, will look back at our time of prejudice and suspicion and exclusion and wonder how their beloved parents and grandparents could have ever been so wrong about something that affected them so little but meant so much to those who endured it.
I do not comprehend the attraction of one man for another, I just know that they are people like me and whom they love is their business. Okay, some of our ancestors saw the wrong in their generation and rose up to defeat it. Now it is our turn to do what is right. To borrow a phrase I love, “The job is here and the time is now.” Carry on, Annette. A lot of us straights are with you, even born and bred Mormon in Utah.
#2 by Jenni on January 24, 2006 - 11:54 pm
Annette,
Thanks for all that you do. There are many of us in the straight community that believe in the work that you are doing.
I am former Mormon myself. I left the church because I could no longer believe in a God that I perceived as sexist and homophobic.
If there is a God/Goddess, I believe that he/she/it loves us all equally, and makes no distinction between gender, sexual preference, race, or nationality. I envision this God/Goddess as a combination of what we think of as male and female, and one who is nurturing and loving and beyond the petty judgement that mankind indulges in — rather than the somewhat cranky father figure that plays favorite with his sons that I used to imagine in my Mormon days.
Keep up the great work!
~Jen
#3 by Dan on January 25, 2006 - 3:06 pm
Annette,
You activist, you. I love your sensational presentation in private and public, and I can’t wait for your splash in my door, anytime, dear.
Good writing. Thoughtful, provocative.
I may not ever be a joiner of anything activist simply because I have had enough finger pointing, slander and libel against me, which I believe has been unwarrented. I prefer a quiet life, a private life. So if I appear reluctant to be active in such areas of public life, please forgive me. After two failed marriages, being visible in certain arts circles, a noted name among Mormons, I now need some peace, and although i can agree with most of what you say and do, I choose to find some long needed peace.
However, I am always ear-shot away, a sympathetic listener, and good for a belly laugh and sweet treat.
Kudos, dear,
Dan
#4 by Amy on January 25, 2006 - 5:52 pm
I left the LDS church over this one too. There were, of course, other issues, but during the time of Amendment 3, I had finally had enough. I guess you could say that it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
A few weeks ago, on Christmas day, a family member made a snide comment about a gay family friend who came out of the closet and left his wife after serving a mission and being married for a few years. I commented that while their divorce was unfortunate, it is also unfortunate that he was so encouraged by the atmosphere of the LDS church to try to “repent†and “changeâ€. It’s so sad that so many families are created and then destroyed this way.
About 10 years ago, after moving out of my parents house and meeting my first gay friends, I asked my dad over the phone, in all sincerity, what was so “evil†about being gay? He said that it was keeping people from procreating. THAT is what made it so darned evil. After my mom’s friend recently came out of the closet and left his wife, however, (she had insisted over and over again that he was not gay and that it was “slander†to say he was- everyone knew he was), she expressed the question time and time again “Why do gay men get married? It is so unfair to the women!â€
I wanted to scream at her: “Because the church you embrace and consider the only full “truth†TELLS them to! It TELLS them that with enough faith, they can CHANGE! So my question is: What is a gay man to do in order to make the moral decision in the eyes of the LDS church? Crawl under a rock and wait to die? If it’s evil to simply refrain from getting married and having kids but it’s clearly deceptive and unfair to marry an unsuspecting woman (or man), what is a gay person to do?
So that’s just a little family anecdote there, but I think it describes the mentality of the majority voice here in Utah and most people don’t even stop to think about how the logic fails pathetically! My brother doesn’t understand how I can be straight and such an advocate for gays. As we like to say: “Straight but not narrowâ€.
I agree that we need more straight advocates because this is not a gay issue; it’s a civil rights issue. People who aren’t bothered by the erosion of civil rights might feel differently when it’s THEIR civil rights that are in jeopardy.
And no, I don’t support civil unions for gays and I don’t support companies giving benefits to domestic partners. I support MARRIAGE. Equal rights. Equal responsibilities. Equal commitment. Nothing more; nothing less.
#5 by Annette on January 25, 2006 - 9:53 pm
Dan,
What an amazing person you are. You have such strength and conviction. I am so happy that you have found someone who loves you for you – no strings, no expectations, no threats of “outing” you, but just you.
I can’t believe I have you in my circle of friends. I am so incredibly blessed.
Hugs,
Annette
#6 by Annette on January 25, 2006 - 9:59 pm
Jenni,
Thanks for your kind words.
I absolutely believe in a higher power. I remember years ago when sitting in a conference in Berchtesgaden (southern Germany). I looked at the beautiful Alps and realized that this could only be the result of a divine Creator.
He created us all in his image. I believe that the racism in the LDS church, past and present – was not a doctrinal issue, rather one of the saints. I was married to a caucasian man and being a black woman, was surprised, saddened and ultimately hurt at the looks we would get while in the temple. Don’t get me wrong – I give people a lot of grace, but a person who is worthy enough to be in the temple is supposed to be setting the standard higher than the average.
Racism, sexism, ageism – all the “isms” that we use to discriminate against one another are just tools to divide us. They come from fear. We are scared that if we give equal rights to gays, women, older people, etc, etc, etc, we will become less as people. That is a smokescreen.
I love the bumper sticker that says “God is coming, and she is pissed!” The loving heavenly Father that I know is surely shaking his head at his children.
Annette
#7 by Annette on January 25, 2006 - 10:01 pm
Dear Amy,
How I miss you! We sure had some fun stirring things up in our neighborhood. I think we were the only two within blocks with “Don’t Amend” lawn signs.
The gay issue was not the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, but it was part of the reason. One day, after trying valiantly to change it from the inside for years (5 1/2), I realized – before 1978, it was my people who were not good enough, now it is gays – who will it be next?
Christ and God – as I know them – are kind, loving, non-judgemental people – and above all – not respectors of persons.
Equality means everyone!
Peace,
Annette
#8 by Annette on January 25, 2006 - 10:03 pm
Anon,
I loved what you had to say. It truly resonated with me.
Before the mid 60’s – my former marriage would not have been legal in the state of Utah. Does that make discrimination right? Absolutely not.
Are my gay brothers and sisters feeling the same sense of isolation and discrimination? Absolutely!
Please keep doing what you are doing. And write – more people need to hear this. It is amazing and incredible.
Peace,
Annette
#9 by Cliff Lyon on January 25, 2006 - 11:17 pm
You know. I think the real movement for gay rights and attitudes have really been in the last 6-8 years. Or at least there’s been an acceleration of cultural acceptance.
Such that the recent activist radical movement has brought us here without needing straight support. Which is amazing compared with the the black civil rights movement.
At least for me, I’ve been wondering when the GLTB movement was gonna go after straight supporters.
I was pleased that that was the main point of the keynote speaker at the last Equality dinner. I forget his name. he was amazing.
I think its funny when the light bulb goes off when straight people get it and go wow! Same breed? Same family? Husband? Neighbor? BEST friend? Wife?
Wow! what a slim line is this that separates an ocean of difference in rights, benefits, and acceptance. Ya start thinkin, “whooowee, could be me if say, they stop being nice to folks that prefer pets over people, or scrap booking, or older women.
But for those with the most uneasy sexuality, I think we could be over this in a few more years.
Let the straight crowd in. We want our Moms and Dads brother’s and mates treated the same way we are. Else it makes us nervous
#10 by Dow on January 26, 2006 - 8:31 am
I love reading personal accounts like Annette, Amy, and Jenni’s. It really personalizes an issue that for many straights is so abstract.
I have been privileged to work a little bit on the consolidated gay marriage cases’ appeal to the Ninth Circuit in San Francisco. There is an interesting
SF Chronicle article about the strategies being employed and the various points of view in the GLBT community about how best to pursue civil rights. It has good analysis and raises good questions about how the gay civil rights movement is different than other civil rights movements over the last several decades.
The cases are Proposition 22 Legal Defense and Education Fund v. CCSF/Gavin Newsom/Nancy Alfaro, Court of Appeal No. A110651 and Campaign for California Families v. Gavin Newsom and Nancy Alfaro, Case No. A110652, and I noted something interesting in the mail the other day, an amicus curiae brief on behalf of the LDS church and some other religious entity, of course voicing opposition to the district court ruling in favor of the mayor of San Francisco.
The brief itself, which I hope to post online soon after I get it scanned, was fairly predictable, and cited a lot of BYU articles. But the most interesting thing about it, in my mind, was the signature page. Apparently, in addition to the LDS church’s long-time law firm Kirton & McConkie, the other attorney signing the brief on behalf of the LDS church is none other than Mr. Ken Starr! I guess he got a fair amount of street cred from the fine fine work he did on that blue dress case.
#11 by Jan Lovett on January 26, 2006 - 12:47 pm
I am also an ally in our community, not separate communities but one.
I would like to say that being straight puts me in a place of unfair privilege. I and my “family†are allowed to share in the benefits of marriage and all that if offers. This place of privilege also buts me in a position to speak out for the rights of others and to ask you to do the same. The truth is that there are many in our society today that seem to spend most of their time dividing us with hate filled legislation that further erodes our rights as human beings therefore a peaceful society. These same individuals will not feel they are successful until they insure that the rights that belong to all are removed and or never provided to some.
I recently had a dialogue with a co-worker that began over Gay Straight Alliances in our schools which then quickly lead to the conversation over the very freedoms that “we all enjoyâ€. He assumed that because we have a constitution that says all Americans are treated equal that we are. I cannot begin to compare my discrimination as a woman to the discrimination of others nor can I compare my experiences. What I can do is speak up, have daily conversations’ with my co-workers and provide a safe place where we can all converse. As I explained to my co-worker he cannot say for me or anyone else what is true unless we experience it ourselves.
While I am not going to discuss God in my posting I will say- compassion and love are not meant for a few but for all of man kind, until we realize this, we will not be a nation of Peace, which by the way I do believe embodies all that God teaches. When individuals cannot feel safe in society because of who we are – our sexual orientation, the color of our skin, where we come from or our religious affiliation (or not) we cannot believe equality for all has been achieved for anyone.
Please join me in daily conversations with your family, friends and Co-workers. I would also like to suggest a book that a dear friend of mine gave me as a gift. “Straightforward†by Ian Ayres & Jennifer Gerarda Brown – how to mobilize heterosexual support for gay rights.
There is good news, times are changing and this is an election year!
Jan Lovett
#12 by Dow Patten on January 28, 2006 - 8:12 am
Here is a link to the Straightforward: How to Mobilize Heterosexual Support for Gay Rights that Jan mentioned.
#13 by Sari Kadison-Shapiro on April 8, 2006 - 7:18 am
HELP! I want to “manage my subscriptions”…and NOT be notified every time someone posts a message here. But when I click on that link I get an ERROR.
PLEASE…no more emails! (who do I contact? how do i do that??)