Frank StaheliBad Fathers Usually Make for Bad Families
The other morning I was driving up the street and noticed an old acquaintance walking up the road. It was bitter cold, so I stopped and asked her if she was going far and if she needed a ride. She was very grateful that I stopped, because her ride to work had not come to pick her up that morning, and she was already late.
Early into our conversation, she said “You know Sam (not his real name) and I got divorced, didn’t you?” I said I had heard they were having problems, but was not aware of the divorce. “It’s a lot better now, because I was tired of putting up with his abuse and cheating,” she said.
She explained her side of the story, about how Sam abused her and the children from time to time, how he never really did any fatherly things with them, like camping or going to a movie, and how he had admitted to cheating with other women than even the one he got married to very shortly after the divorce.
He is better than most divorced fathers at providing means for his children, but he does it begrudgingly, and if he had his druthers, he’d never see them again. She has no phone, and she has no car, and she has a podunk almost minimum wage job, but she says she’s better off now. I wonder… She would be better off if the man in her life had decided that when he wanted to become a dad he would also continue to perform the job that came with it!
The oldest son is now hanging out with the wrong crowd, getting into trouble, going to court (no jail time yet), and hanging on at an alternative high school. Perhaps more sadly, the youngest son wants to grow up to be just like the only father figure in his life–the oldest son.
My wife and I have known this erstwhile couple since we moved to the same town several years ago. We’ve been married about the same amount of time. So it was sad to see their relationship break up, but it’s even more sad to see the tragic results of the breakup in the lives of their children.
Good fathers help their sons become comfortable with their masculinity and teach them to respect women and girls. Good fathers help the daughters appreciate the beauty that is femininity and remind them of how much the fairer sex can do to keep the the less-fair sex within the bounds of morality and propriety and keep the world spinning round and not flying off the tracks. But when it comes to bad fathers? I think the children would have been better off being conceived in a petri dish.
Hearing this story of abuse, break-up, and tragedy has caused me to commit to become a better father. Because an arrogant adult ruining the life of even one child is too much.
December 23rd, 2006 at 4:55 pm
What is the education level of the couple?
December 23rd, 2006 at 5:19 pm
Lynette,
Both their education levels are very low. You bring up an interesting point that I hadn’t thought about before. I know that neither one of them can read on more than about an eighth grade level.
December 23rd, 2006 at 5:50 pm
Right answer Frank,
Your children are extremely lucky. Their father is an exceptional and shining example of thoughtfulness, and true free agency in an otherwise dangerously obscure light.
Have been called to the Bishopric yet?
December 24th, 2006 at 9:30 am
Lynnette,
I’m not sure of the point of your question. Although few, I’ve known members of LDS bishoprics who were not good fathers at all, and some who became terrible fathers after having been members of bishoprics.
December 24th, 2006 at 10:58 am
I hear you Frank. My question may be wishful thinking, but I don’t think so. I can say that I have been quite impressed with the Bishops I have met and know.
In my own ward (I am not LdS), I was surprised when my good friend was called. George is a very progressive and outspoken man and an exceptional father.
Most of the other Bishops I met because they are politically active in the democratic party - Steve Olsen being the best example.
From my limited perspective, the Church is attempting to move the brethren back toward the center. You may be higher on the list than you think.
I think in their heart of hearts, most Christians know, Jesus would have been a Democrat.
December 24th, 2006 at 12:55 pm
I am very intrigued by your comments about Democrats–I being a Republican. But I agree that good men and women can come from any party. My father, a leading example in Church and community, was a Democrat because he felt that there were too many republicans in Utah. The only time I have EVER seen members of an LDS congregation vote against their bishop was when my father was bishop (I was about 13 years old, and about 7 members of the congregation raised their hands in opposition), and it was distinctly because of some of his political opinions that they voted against him.
Also I do think that some Republican Mormons should come down off their high horses and perform a self-inner-examination if they think that one has to be a Republican to be a good member of the LDS church. Far from true.
I agree with you about LDS ecclesiastical leaders. Nearly every bishop I have known, and nearly all of their counselors, have been stellar individuals. I can think of one Bishop (a friend’s father) that was suddenly released from his calling when some startling personal issues came to light. One counselor in my bishopric–whom I admired as the greatest of men when I was a young man–surprised us all by deciding later on to leave his wife and children and go back to a previous lifestyle that was not a good one.
In answer to your original question–I was a counselor in a bishopric for a short time before being called to military active duty a couple of years ago.
January 21st, 2007 at 3:03 am
my sons father is a crap father.i don’t get it,but i am the best most loving mother ever.as long as my son has me he’ll be fine.we are doing fantastic.note to all you bad fathers out their: they are little innocent children it’s not hard to be a good dad.read a book to them,buy them a cheap toy,take them to the park.c’mon.
January 21st, 2007 at 6:35 am
Katherine,
You’re right. It’s not that hard to be a good father, but doing just the simple things you say. But often it’s easy for fathers to say “Oh…mom will take care of that.” In other words, dads are much more often lazy than moms are.
January 21st, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Frank: What is the purpose of this post? What point are you trying to make? I think you and I could talk lengths about what it means to be a man of honor, how to raise men of honor and how to honor our daughters and wives. I was raised LDS, married to a man who did not honor even himself and left behind a son without a role model who has to figure out how to be a man on his own. Angry doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. Lynette - education level means nothing. We are both degreed and raised in higher income families. Men can be selfish assholes at any education and socio-economic level. They all have one thing in common; pure selfishness and complete disregard for their responsibilities.
Frank, really, what point are you trying to make?
January 21st, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Trish,
The point I am trying to make is that you and your children should never have had to suffer through a crappy husband and father.
When a man makes the choice to get married and have children, he had better determine that he’s ready to take on the responsibilities. I apologize that all I can say is that I feel bad how things worked out in your family’s case.