Ed Firmage Jr.Government, Your Partner in Reproduction: A Modest Proposal
According to Paul “Sorry-ma’am-this-is-my-job-someone’s-got-to-do-it” Mero, chief of Utah’s conservative Sutherland Institute, the state has a vested interest in your sex organs. Your children, you see, are the state’s means of production, and your sex organs, being the means of producing the means, are therefore a national asset subject to oversight. Lots of oversight. The more assets your member produces, the more valuable you are as a member. Biology is destiny. Darwin and the Mormons finally agree on something. Correspondingly, assets that choose not to produce are a threat to the state. Not just the blessed state of marriage, but the blessed STATE, also known as Das Vaterland, ueber, hinter, und inter alles. Non-productive asses, sorry, assets are a threat to the world as we know it.
But I think Paul, with that reticence that is his trademark, is too restrained. The implication of Scripture (”if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out”) and hard-nosed, Malthusian capitalism alike is that we need to GET RID of unproductive units and more aggressively reward the productive, especially the White Anglo-Saxon Productive. America for WASPs! The trickle down theory of sex triumphs! Here, then, are a few modest proposals to keep America in the reproductive running (up there in the lead next to such societal luminaries as the Sudan, Iran, and my personal favorite, Pakistan).
First, build concentration camps for gays. If they misbehave, gas them and cremate their bodies in industrial ovens. These people are a menace to society. Not just their way of life but their LIFE threatens not only marriage but the very fabric of society itself. It’s not clear yet exactly how they do this, but we know that they do. Our Gruppenfuehrer, known locally as GAs (Mormon speak for “General Authorities,” “the Lord’s anointed,” etc.), tell us so.
Second, institute a Frequent Fuckers program bankrolled by the state. This is the flagship program of my proposed new Sexcare system (the necessary and inexcusably overlooked counterpart to the present, post-productive Medicare–overlooked, probably due to insidious queer influence). To clarify, this benefit isn’t just for casual, recreational fucking, which the state will aggressively punish, but productive fucking, fucking with a purpose, fucking on a mission. We want more KIDS, billions and billions of them, googleplexes of them. We want an assembly line of kids rolling out of their mothers. Sadly we haven’t yet invented a less organic way of producing them, but Craig Venter and the geneticists are working on this.
There are three levels in this program, Gold, Silver, and Bronze (local variant: Celestial, Terrestrial, Telestial).
Gold-Level Fuckers, who produce more than twelve children per woman, who constitute a quorum wherever they go, receive the following benefits:
-A free starter palace in an American suburb of your choice, paid for by the sale of confiscated gay properties (several of them). Why wait for the kingdom which is to come when you can have it here? Palaces come complete with walls, drawbridge, armed guards, imported slave labor (will require optional Spanish translator). Many such palaces are on display on the Sandy bench where Paul lives.
-A free Chevvy Suburban, known locally as the Brigham Brougham, every seven years throughout your reproductive life or age 55, whichever comes last, paid for by the sale of even more gay vehicles (it takes about 2.5 Priuses to pay for one Suburban).
Silver-Level Fuckers, who produce six or more kids per woman (you’re in luck, Paul!) get:
-A one-time get out of jail free card from the IRS. Can be used if your reproductive success threatens to overwhelm you in debt.
-A quiver full of school vouchers, courtesy of Overstock.com’s Patrick Byrne (where he gets his money, with Overstock where it is, is a wonder to us all). You CAN have productive sex and send your kids to Harvard! Mitt Romney has also agreed to chip in to insure that every future GA has a chance to see the edyacated world before returning to Utah, the latter being in but not of the former.
-Lifetime membership in the Sutherland Institute, and a no-risk visit from Mormon missionaries, who will instruct you in ways of eternally increasing your productivity. Imagine it, men, eternal growth! Quality and quantity! Eternal male enhancement! One dizzies just thinking of it.
Bronze-Level Fuckers (this, unfortunately, is the farthest I’m likely to get toward that palace, Paul), who produce four or more kids per woman, earn:
-A free copy of Celestial Fucking. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, forthcoming. In this inspiring, exhaustively correlated and field-tested book, the author, a GA yet to be determined, reveals how patriarchal legends such as Abraham became the fathers of nations and took their first steps on the path of eternal increase.
-A free copy of Mastering Masturbation: Increasing Productivity through Self-Discipline, another Deseret Book masterpiece by the always-inspiring Sheri Dew, who draws on her own experience.
-A free Men on a Mission calendar by Chad Hardy (for her) and a Women Serving Under the Lord calendar (for him), to inspire continued progress in reproductive success. To be used only when you’re together. Publisher’s note: Please never take one of these into the bathroom alone. This is advanced eroticism, for happily married couples only!
-A signed and numbered reprint of Ezra Taft Benson’s famous “Precious Husband” speech that had so many LDS women talking!
-A free copy of the new LDS comedy hit, There’s Something About Martin, a hilarious sendup of gay life. Has audiences in Provo rolling in the aisles (quite a feat given the way some of them are wedged into their seats).
The message to People of Bronze is, “Don’t be discouraged. You are our bread and butter fuckers; we need you!” Fuck for your country! The idea of a new vision for the Peace Corps suggests itself here, but that will have to await another post.
For years, I’ve been wondering how the world would deal with its downward-spiraling population. Paul has the solution. We can no longer afford to leave sex to private enterprise. It needs government regulation. The days of laissez-fuck are over.
Vive l’etat! Sieg Heil! Ad maiorem Dei gloriam!
P.S. Paul, while I have you online, I wanted to remind you that our next Brown Shirt meeting is this coming Thursday. Auf Wiedersehen. Stay hard for your country, man, and your country women.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Who worries about stuff like the above? Just well planted calls for division. Nothing for it in my view but perhaps…emigrate.
Take a gander at this, and wonder about sustainability, doesn’t seem to be much worry overseas. Think the indoor ski arena is run on solar? Didn’t see any windmills. What’s wrong with these pictures in contrast to the starved energy futures painted here?
If we all continue on this track we will have achieved utter irrelevancy to the rest of the world. The compulsions induced upon the masses at the fundamental and the intellectual level in this country are complete. America is becoming the social equivalent of an autistic child spinning a plate. Both extremes are culpable.
Dubai: Figure McCain knows where that is?
July 21st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Ever wonder where your gas money is ending up?
July 21st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.
Try, some. You might like it.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Brilliant? This will bring Mero to his knees with laughter. No one has a better sense of humor.
And, I bet if you changed fuckers to freakers, he might even re-publish in the SI newsletter.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Oh, my; oh, my; OMFG!!!!
One for the eternal 1U all-time-favorites file.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Great post!
Been following the O’Reilly (Viagra is used to treat a medical condition, birth control is not so get your hands outta my pockets!) and McCain on issues of reproduction.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJMxFJd_4bw
July 21st, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Cliff, Paul,
If Paul wants to replace the mighty f-word with something more reverential and reprint it in SI as an indication of the vilification he endures for the Lord’s work, he’s welcome, provided he indicates that his f-word and mine are radically different. The only reverence I can tolerate at this point in life is a toast to the spirit of Ed Abbey, who deserted us just when we needed him the most, the bastard.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Ed, Jr.:
Does the Chevy Suburban come with a trailer hitch?
I’ll need one to pull my camper which itself pulls a trailer loaded with ORVs and Waverunners.
A stabilizer bar for the rear suspension, better allowing me to travel up and down Parleys at 80 mph or more with my train-o-pleasure-vehicles, would be cool to have, too.
How’s about a gas card, maybe, too? I tithe, regularly!
July 21st, 2008 at 5:00 pm
… and that’s on gross income, too!
July 21st, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Hoefer,
I deleted your comment because it was such a downer and so wildly off topic as to constitute spam.
If you want it to be all about your agenda (the sky is falling any day now), get your own blog (and see if anyone comes) or, you may submit a post to me through Jim.
You seriously need to get a sense of humor.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Albert,
All Brigham Broughams naturally come with hitches, as women come with breasts. What else are you going to hang on?
Don’t worry about the mileage. Members of the Gold Fuckers club are exempted from concerns about global warming. Forget all that stuff I said in my last three posts. The reason is simple: the end of the world can’t come until all of God’s spirit children get bodies. So, the faster we copulate, the sooner the end will come. And that’s the gospel truth.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Isn’t the sky is falling is your line anyway Cliff?
There have been enough posts from you describing that it is.
Anyway, it is mildly amusing, and quite revealing of how screwed up Utahs’ divisions really are, as in fact having been privy to this brand of mockery, it is after all not really a joke in your community.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Well Ed, no wonder Mormons are in such a “fucking hurry”, to have large families and be wed.
Makes sense that they would adopt polygamy then, breed hard and prosper…
July 21st, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Is that true for Mormons: “the end of the world can’t come until all of God’s spirit children get bodies.”?
All of them?
It can’t be. A former colleague, LDS, once told me he thought the last days were sometime within the next 4 months.
That was the Fall of 1999.
What’s the right equation?
July 21st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
It’s after the end of the world, don’t you know that yet? Sun Ra
July 21st, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Cliff,
The end of the world is like that door in Hollywood movies that always seems to be about to close but never does until the hero is ready. But predictably the hero manages to get through just in the nick of time.
Meanwhile, the body count of those conceived in flagrante dilecto grows. It has actually never been clear exactly what the cutoff point is, since the great patriarch above is presumably continuing to have more little babies. It really seems unfair for us, even in our billions, to be expected to keep up with celestial sexual mechanics.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
So its like, just have as many as you can, and when the door closes…
July 21st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Does quantum mechanics play a role in celestial sexual mechanics? If is does, the “possibilities” are endless. Indeed, such would seemingly permit freedom for spirit children through the actions of gays. That should be a good thing, right?
July 21st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Let the real fucking begin! The FLDS are at last vindicated!
July 21st, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Albert,
You’re a genius! At last, people, a way to have our cake and eat it too! Paul, I hope you’re reading this. In a quantum world, one can be gay AND have kids, because every possibility is a reality.
This may also be the secret to divine procreativity. Once you get your divine ID card, you have can every woman in the universe, all at once or one at a time, it doesn’t matter, because time has no meaning. This is a world, remember, where the center is everywhere and the circumference is nowhere.
But wait, the trail of thought continues…Perhaps, at last, in quantum singularity you populate the universe through that most ancient of magic tricks, self-abuse (I use what I’m sure is Paul’s term). The ancient Egyptians knew this, as did the Kabbalists. The universe began with masturbation, and ends the same way, one eternal round. From one, the Ein Sof, comes everything, and everything is reunited in the Ein Sof. No women needed. Sorry, girls.
On second thought, Albert, I’m not sure I like this vision of the future.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Sorry to take so long to respond, I was out helping a neighbor lady move. Her home was more cluttered than Ed’s mind.
Ed has coined a new expression with this posting:
Intellectual Masturbation…meant nothing but I’m sure it must have felt good.
Thanks Ed…I take it as homage and the futile last gasp of a man who concedes the point. I accept your surrender. I expect the same shortly from Glen, Albert, and Cliff.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Hell, you can be gay and have kids in the here and now on Earth. I have a male gay couple that turkey basted their lesbian friend, and are now raising that child.
Who needs magic PJ’s or a divine ID card?
Hey Paul!! Intellectual masturbation! I claim that, I called this entire site a form of intellectual masturbation a long time ago. A progressive circle jerk!
Obviously with the progressive elements performing for the conservative elements, exciting everyone, with all getting off.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Well, Paul, you know what they say of the mind, “If cleanliness is next to godliness, perhaps dirtiness is godliness itself” (Reginald Blyth).
July 21st, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Paul:
I think a challenging mental exercise awaits you in responding to the top post, and I, for one, eagerly await such to occur.
btw. A global change can be used to change the f-bombs into flip-bombs - the RM boys at my workplace seem to have no problem with dropping flip-bombs all day long, so hopefully it’ll work for you, too, at least for this one important time!
July 21st, 2008 at 11:50 pm
What do you figure your fuck quotient is Ed?
The gov’t has controlled you as well, don’t you think?
You are a breeder are you not?
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:24 am
We masturbate over here so our freedom fighters have both hands free to accomplish the emission establishing democracy over there requires of them. Where’s the gratitude?
End the war, end the jerking-off.
’scuse me, I’m spent.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
After reading this post, I’ll probably not be perusing One Utah anymore, at least not any posts by this author. This distasteful, odious, childish rant is a disservice to this blog and the Utah blogosphere in general. It does nothing to enhance debate. The only value it has added to my life is to help me cut down on future blog reading time by avoiding this one. Seriously…grow up.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Got to admit, that’s a pretty stunning link “The Watcher” had in the first comment. Now we know where the rich are going to stay when America is nothing more then a low wage factory and not a safe place for them anymore.