One Utah

Author’s note: I’m closing comments on this post. Since I posted this, I’ve deleted over a dozen comments from the spam filter that so crossed the line of respectful discourse I felt no guilt deleting them. The inability of some commenters to understand why I would hope the young man in question would have developmentally approrpriate relationships leaves me gobsmacked. GB

This is an open letter to a specific person but could apply to a great many young people, gay and straight.

Nice young man, we need to talk.

Saturday night at the gym, you joined us in the hot tub. You were not wearing a swimming suit, you were in your underwear. You flirted with several of the guys in the hot tub. We were engaged in the kind of aimless wandering talk people engage in such situations. It was mostly silly and without substance. We treated you with politeness but nothing more. You see, the men in the hot tub on Saturday have morals and aren’t the kind of people who would take advantage of you. Most gay men won’t take advantage of you. A few will pull you aside and say, “If you do this, you could get hurt. Take care.” But, there are some out there who would take advantage of you and who would hurt you.

I don’t want to see you hurt. There are men out there who would see you and who would flirt back and who would seem like he’s being a good boyfriend. He may be in his twenties. But he could be in his 30s or 40s or 50s. At the time, it might not seem like the older man who is courting you is hurting you; he may seem caring and concerned. His attention is flattering. He has no business trying to date you. You are young - I’d guess you are sixteen or seventeen. And that man will not have your best interest at heart. What he’s doing is violating a basic ethical boundary and engaging in a relationship that is not developmentally appropriate for him or you. He’s taking advantage of you. It’s not good for you.

I wish this weren’t the case but a lot of men who come out at the age of 30 or 40 or 50 (and we seem to have them spades in Utah) are dealing with delayed development. In terms of their emotional development, in many ways, they are still adolescents. But they are not really adolescents and they have no business seeing you as a potential date.

Adolescence is a confusing time. You are obviously learning to cope with your emerging sexual identity. That’s normal. It’s also hard as hell. But, it’s difficult no matter if you’re gay or straight. For you own sake: Find a nice boyfriend your own age. Go on some dates, hold hands. Kiss each other. Hug. You will probaby break up. You may feel heartbroken. Maybe not. Move on and find someone else. Practice the process of dating and finding that Mr. Right who is out there for you.

Know this: As a gay youth, you are welcome in the circle of the gay community, whatever it is and whatever it becomes. Know that older gay men have a duty to you to mentor you, to nurture you, to care for you without crossing sexual and ethical boundaries. Any gay man who doesn’t say, “Find a nice boy your own age,” is a gay man you need not to trust. Fortunately, there aren’t too many out there, but watch out for them. And know that I’ll be watching out for them too and if I see them moving toward you, I will stop them.

This entry was posted Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 at 9:16 am and is filed under Sex. Both comments and pings are currently closed.