Archive for category Republicans

What I can’t understand is why Republicans can’t see it, the answer to all their problems, the answer that God has been holding out to them on a platter and fairly shoving up their noses, those long and elevated noses, since the 1850s. Why let a handsome, Bible-quoting, southern gentleman like Mark Sanford, who clearly has a knack with female voters and who apparently has lingual talents no one knew about, go down in flames? Why let a little problem like an errant, headstrong zipper in search of a soulmate ruin a stellar career? Why let an obsessive compulsion for crossing the line prevent God’s anointed from running the country?

Such a waste of talent in a waste of shame! Such a waste because so unnecessary when there is a way out. As Sanford himself says, King David shows the way. His zipper went wandering and he wasn’t forced to resign (it’s good to be the king). Not to quibble, but I think the figure Mark really should consider is the less tragic but more satisfied Solomon. There’s far more extensive precedent for crossing the line in his case, without the unfortunate adultery and murder that make David such a clay-footed paragon. Satisfying if not inspiring, a biblical role model is a biblical role model. So here we have it at last: state-approved, divinely sanctioned marriage between one man and one thousand women.

Which brings me to my good, if more modest, news from the New Israel. Well-placed sources inside LDS church headquarters tell me that a big headliner is in the works:

“LDS Church Brings Back ‘The Principle’ to Help Party”

To clarify, the party in question is a noun not a verb, and the noun refers not to Bacchanalia along the lines of Spring Break or Mormon General Conference but to that bastion of moral and political solemnity, Hizbullah, or the Party of God, the party of Dick Cheney, who, like Yahweh, “brings his own cloud of darkness with him” and of Mark Sanford, who wishes he could be caught up in such a cloud. The Principle in question is of course plural marriage, the biblically-sanctioned, Mormon-refined get out of jail card for sons of God, who, in Sanford’s immortal words, are driven by forbidden, tragic love to cross the lines over and over again with the daughters of men. This is the program God has instituted for those spiritually gifted but historically challenged leaders for whom crossing the Rubicon is a regular form of recreation. This is the program for those aging Peter Pans, who, while nightly crossing their Rubicons and thinking all the while about Zeno’s paradox, keep asking their bedmates, “Are we there yet.” This is the program for those defenders of family values who are constantly struggling to fall in love with the wife of their bosom and for whom the marriage of one man to one woman is “the larger walk of faith,” the straight and narrow way more commonly known as “walking the plank” or “the longest mile.” In short, this is the answer for God’s Erect whose penises go walkabout in the bush without warning, or, in the again immortal words of Mark Sanford, go “hiking in Appalachia.”

Not untypically, the LDS Church has once again been keeping its light under a bushel. Here, right under the august noses of the Righteous Wing, is salvation, family-oriented and biblically-approved. In the words of the Mormon hymn:

Soulmates can be together forever
In Heavenly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own families,
And the Lord has showed me how I can.
The Lord has showed me how I can.

It’s back to the future, boys and girls. The benefits for Hizbullah are clear. But, more importantly, this is the chance for Mormons to show their worth, to demonstrate, after decades of unproductive donations and support, why Hizbullah needs them, why at last, in the Fulness of Time, Mormons and the Born Again are destined to be soulmates. Let the “hiking” begin!